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I didn't know it can be so hard...

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or I could have actually know that it's gonna be so difficult to stop being a SAHM and switch to being a FTWM. It kinda torn my heart into pieces just by thinking I will not be spending my almost 24X7 with BB Seth. Feeling loss, missing BB Seth, the time that I spend with him, watching him growing up and achieving the milestones in his babyhood, it's definitely priceless. Such feelings, can't never be well describe using plain English. You can only be able to understand, when you become a mother yourself. The power of Love, the love for your own child, is so great and never ending, never wanna provide anything less than best for your own child. It's termed, UNCONDITIONAL.

It's only now, that I can understand our Father's love for us, and what I am feeling now is just a fraction of what He has felt for us! Now, can you imagine how much God loves us, that He has even sacrifice Jesus just to obtain the Father and child relationship with us? The reconciliation?? The infinite tears that our Father God shed when He sees us in despair, in unhappiness, in not knowing that He loves us soooo much!

Olive Tree and I were packing up some clothings, toiletries, toys and others stuffs for BB Seth. As from tomorrow onwards, we'll bring BB Seth to my mom's place so that he can start to learn to adapt to staying at my mom's place in the day. If all goes smoothly, I'll be starting work most probably next Monday. So this is the time that we have to get BB Seth used to the routine. I would be accompanying him for tomorrow and Tuesday probably, and then leave him with my mom from Wed to Thurs. That's a dry run to get him used to the environment. I pray to God that BB seth will adapt very well and he'll be a sweet darling and obedient boy to his grandparents who will be baby-sitting him. While packing up, I have to fight bad the thoughts of not able to see BB Seth as much and be there for him with his every move, every feed....especially that I am total breast-feeding him, the bonding that I share with him is unbreakable! It's really tough! I have to fight back the tears and finish up the packing.

I sat in front of the workstation, wanting to complete my LO and update the blog for the week. I guess the heart is weighing so heavy that I have to blog it out about how I am feeling. While editing BB Seth photos to be posted on the blog, I broke down! Hot tears streaming down my face, the uncontrollable sadness when I think of not able to see BB Seth and be with him for as much as I want to. I can't fight back the tears, I got the sense of loss. I questions my every decisions to go back to work and be a FTWM. Is it a choice or is it a must?

Olive Tree seeing me so sad, he could not comfort me much too, as he understand my heart as we are one. He knows that the choice is very definite, if I have, the free choice, I would choose not to work and be a SAHM to BB Seth. However, the must out-weigh the free choice, seeing that we want to provide as much as we can for BB Seth and also we prepare to have another sister for BB Seth. I know that our Daddy God will bless us abundantly but He gave us wisdom to make the right decisions and also will always bless us with his grace and favors. He'll will also provide the best for us and nothing less. Being pragmatic, I know that this is a phase I have to through. It's a stage in life that I have to learn and be strong to overcome the feeling of loss and the anxiety of going back to work. We are made into Jesus's likeness and we will be an overcomer. So I will overcome with the strength He has given me.

I don't know how long will it take, for me to overcome the stage but I know it will never be too much for me to bear. As I have the greatest gift of all, BB Seth and it's for him and the provision for him, that will steer me to be stronger too.

BB Seth, you are the precious darling of Daddy and Mommy. In whatever things we do, we will always consider you first. You complete us as a family. Your smiles, your sparkling eyes, your adorably handsome face and wisdom, are impeccable in our us. Know that we will always be there for you, with you and carry you through in whatever that you do, in the present, in the future. You are our Mighty Champion Boy. We love you to the infinity.

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Comments

Anonymous said…
wei. dont be sad ok? everything will be ok. Give him time and he will adapt to the new routine. Same for you. *hugz*
12:33 AM
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